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Thursday, February 09, 2012

Clarification (in other words, I surrender....)

There is a belief that because of certian posts I do from time to time, that I am crying out before I do 'something rash.'  if you are thinking ending my own life, that would be impossible, if only for the simple reason I am too much of a coward.

But what I am dealing with no pill, motivational saying, or realignment of planets can solve.  The fact that I do not belong here.

It is a fact (not opinion, fact) that I have dealt with for most of my adult life.  I have not sellable talents.  I cannot be take seriously by the masses, so sales are out (I'm not Sammy Slickhair either).  Any talents I do have are not not bankable ones.

I can't lie well.  I'm not good at small talk.  I don't like long walks and I don't want a pet. So relationships are out.

I hate wars.  Not just the ones with guns and tanks.  I'm talking about the wars we fight between us. The constant rich-poor-middle, black-white-whatever, gay-straight-bi-trans, Christian-Muslim-Jew-whatever wars we have fought almost since the dawn of time and that have gotten worse in the last 16 months.  So I can't be a conservative and I'm making a lousy liberal.

Even in faith, I can't get the answers I seek.  Like what happnens after the end.  I'm not talking about THAT.....or even THAT. I'm talking about what happens after THAT. No one knows.

So in essence, I am empty.  I have fought these battles until I have been spent.  I have lost my home, my livelihoods, my family, probably friends, all because I see truths that no one can see, and I ask questions that no one can answer.  And with seven to twenty years left, i can't fight it any more.

I surrender.

I can't fight the tide anymore.  The stupids have won.  I have lost.  What more can i say.

So I will probably spend the remainder of my time, if I can, being the best worker ant I can be for whoever wants me.  Hopes, dreams, goals...they never exisited anyway. Neither does love.  I'm done fighting that war as well.

Maybe God will place me in someplace where I can do no harm, where I can live out my life harmlessly and without controversy.  And maybe I will be allowed to see the thing I have said come to pass.  And maybe, when I do go, I'll simply fall asleep.  Maybe that's the best.

Until then, I will not force any hand.  i'll just be like the rest, unquestioning, unreasoning, save for the occasional post i might slip in.

And to those friends who are still with me, who are concerned, I am otherwise fine.  I'm just giving up the wars and letting the world do what it will do.

For in the end, there truly is a reason for living.  It's called the next day.

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