There is a belief that because of certian posts I do from time to time, that I am crying out before I do 'something rash.' if you are thinking ending my own life, that would be impossible, if only for the simple reason I am too much of a coward.
But what I am dealing with no pill, motivational saying, or realignment of planets can solve. The fact that I do not belong here.
It is a fact (not opinion, fact) that I have dealt with for most of my adult life. I have not sellable talents. I cannot be take seriously by the masses, so sales are out (I'm not Sammy Slickhair either). Any talents I do have are not not bankable ones.
I can't lie well. I'm not good at small talk. I don't like long walks and I don't want a pet. So relationships are out.
I hate wars. Not just the ones with guns and tanks. I'm talking about the wars we fight between us. The constant rich-poor-middle, black-white-whatever, gay-straight-bi-trans, Christian-Muslim-Jew-whatever wars we have fought almost since the dawn of time and that have gotten worse in the last 16 months. So I can't be a conservative and I'm making a lousy liberal.
Even in faith, I can't get the answers I seek. Like what happnens after the end. I'm not talking about THAT.....or even THAT. I'm talking about what happens after THAT. No one knows.
So in essence, I am empty. I have fought these battles until I have been spent. I have lost my home, my livelihoods, my family, probably friends, all because I see truths that no one can see, and I ask questions that no one can answer. And with seven to twenty years left, i can't fight it any more.
I can't fight the tide anymore. The stupids have won. I have lost. What more can i say.
So I will probably spend the remainder of my time, if I can, being the best worker ant I can be for whoever wants me. Hopes, dreams, goals...they never exisited anyway. Neither does love. I'm done fighting that war as well.
Maybe God will place me in someplace where I can do no harm, where I can live out my life harmlessly and without controversy. And maybe I will be allowed to see the thing I have said come to pass. And maybe, when I do go, I'll simply fall asleep. Maybe that's the best.
Until then, I will not force any hand. i'll just be like the rest, unquestioning, unreasoning, save for the occasional post i might slip in.
And to those friends who are still with me, who are concerned, I am otherwise fine. I'm just giving up the wars and letting the world do what it will do.
For in the end, there truly is a reason for living. It's called the next day.