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Monday, June 07, 2010

How Pathetic Am I? This much......

In my eternal quest to figure out why I am alone and unpartnered at 55 (as well as un-a lot of things), I ran across this article in June/July, 2010 edition of Esquire. It's called "How a Man Ages....or Should."

After reading the article, I mad a conscious decision. To keep from committing hari kari, I decided to list the things I have not done. Maybe that way, I can figure it out.

With no relation to what I should have done by what age....

I have never posted any pictures of me shotgunning beers, smoking joints, or passed out from some combination. Mainly because I never did any of those things. Ever.

I have never read On the Road, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Deliverance (no...never saw the movie, either) or the Naked and the Dead. Too busy reading the LA Times...when it WAS the LA Times.

I didn't know who the hell Leonard Cohen is. Nor do I understand why women come when he sings.

I have never had a Scotch neat or messy. Never had a Manhattan. Never been to Manhattan.

I never rented, owned, or was able to fit into a tux.

I never used quotes from Porky's, though I do believe that Kaki Hunter is one of movies most unheralded comediennes.

I have never downloaded anything from a legal music source because, quite frankly, its the same putrid dreck that SonyWarnerEMI has been selling to fools for years.

I have never seen American Idol. But then I remember when Ellen was less and icon and America's Best Friend and more funny and My Future Wife.

In fact, every woman I have ever fallen in love with turned out to be gay, or leaned that way. Right, Sandra B.?

I do not look like my father. I Shaved my head to make sure.

Oh, and did I mention being bisexual. And fat. And Male. These days if the first two don't disqualify you, the third by itself certainly will.

And if you still insist on blowing that ray of sunshine up my ass to tell me that I am not really pathetic, that my life has worth and that I should love myself and all that, here is the one thing that cinches it....

I have seen "Howard the Duck" 12 times.

And enjoyed it.

Damn, I AM THAT pathetic.

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